Please Tell Me I Love You
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: A little twist on the plot...Lots of Sasame angst...His feelings are not what they seem to be...


Tell Me "I Love You"

A/N , Disclaimer, Warnings, Whatever: 

I don't own Pretear

Yaoi warning!! (male x male relationship -- nothing too graphic though)

Spoiler warning! (for the Anime...I hope you've seen the whole series)

I love cheese.

Sleeping with Hayate is supposed to be such a casual thing. There seems to be an unspoken agreement between us that whenever we go to bed together, it's only because we both want the company; we're both cold in bed alone. There is a sort of desperation present in the both of us, when we're together. Hayate's kisses and touches are always frantic, and I know that mine must be the same. I'm lonely. I've been lonely for a long, long time.

It doesn't matter that I'm surrounded by people; six friends should be enough for anyone...But that isn't the company I'm lacking. I need more. I need someone to touch my cheek, smile at me, and tell me that everything will be fine. I have to give that kind of speech to so many people, day in day out...There is no one who seems willing to return the favour...

Except for Hayate.

I know that he doesn't love me. That's fine, because I don't love him either.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

The only reason I sought him out in particular is because I know that Kei and Goh are together (or at least they will be eventually, if they aren't already), and I know that Hayate doesn't have anyone else. He was the obvious choice. He seemed just as starved for the attention as I did, and it turned out to be a good arrangement.

The reason I sought out anyone in the first place is that I couldn't stand the loneliness after Takako was sealed away. I was completely smitten with her, and even though she didn't return my feelings; in fact, she was in love with Hayate...Even though she didn't feel for me the same thing I felt for her, at least she was here. Then, I could pretend that everything would be all right.

Even though I knew it wouldn't.

Now, I don't even have that luxury.

I'm so alone.

I don't love Hayate, but I need him, to ease my loneliness.

~~~~~

I don't really know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to die. Even casual sex with Hayate doesn't help me anymore. Last night, in the middle of making love to me...He just...stopped. I know what it is; he's developing feelings for Himeno.

It would all be very sweet, if not for one thing...I'm jealous. She's taking my comfort away from me. He's the only one I've been able to confide in and be with for sixteen years, and now he's found someone that he actually cares for, unlike me.

I'm just company for the cold and lonely nights. 

I don't think I'll ever stop being lonely.

I don't know when exactly it happened, but Hayate stopped being comfort, and started to be something a little bit more. It pains me to think that...maybe I was never in love with Takako at all. It's hard to figure it out now that she's gone...She isn't the Takako that she used to be...But she's still around. Now, I have another chance to be with her...

And I still run to Hayate.

But Hayate doesn't want me to run to him anymore.

I don't know what to do.

~~~~~

I got so angry...When Hayate and Himeno were standing there, flirting and carrying on right in front of me...They were so embarrassed, and blushing, and...being so adorable. I don't think I can take it anymore.

I'm *not* in love with Hayate though, I can't be...I knew all along that it wouldn't be that way, that I was just with him out of necessity...But now I'm not with him at all, and I miss his warmth. I miss him with me, I miss him in me, I...I miss him.

So I yelled at him. I blamed him for everything that's gone wrong, and I went outside, and I thought about everything...

And I decided that I can't go on like this. Something has to change.

I've decided that I will pledge myself to Takako. I was...I am in love with her, and to her, I will always belong. It's the only thing I can do, really. Takako will save me from these feelings.

~~~~~

I didn't want to kill him.

I'm glad she stopped me.

The first time, I couldn't even go through with it. I came so close to spearing Hayate through the heart...and I couldn't do it, not even with her cheering me on.

It makes me wonder how much I really love her...

But she is the one I love, she has to be; I'm not in love with Hayate.

The second time she ordered me to kill him, I didn't hesitate...quite as much. Then she stopped me.

She still loves him, even after everything that's happened...Love is something I don't even want to try to understand.

I'm glad she stopped me though. I may have gone through with it, in the name of the love I pledge to her.

But...what would have happened if I had? If Hayate had died, what then?

It's something I don't even like to think about...

So I lose myself in this idea that I love Takako completely. It's the truth, isn't it? It must be. It must be!

~~~~~

It would be easier to hate Hayate. If I hated him, I could kill him, like Takako keeps ordering me to do. As it is...It's hard enough to fight him, without giving up. I can't give up though; I have to do what Takako wants, in the name of the love I have for her. The love I have for Takako.

My head hurts. I've been thinking too much lately; I wish I didn't have to think at all. I guess sixteen years of being comforted by one person really changes the way you think. It never meant anything to Hayate, but obviously, it means something to me. I can't get Hayate out of my head. Even when I hold Takako, and try to ease her loneliness, I still feel the same loneliness I've felt all along in my heart. The only time it's ever been eased, even a little bit, is just before I would fall asleep in Hayate's arms. There, I felt safe, I felt wanted, I felt...

I felt...

Love.

But I never meant anything to him, and I was fooling myself all along, wasn't I?

So I will stay with Takako.

I need her now. I needed her like I needed Hayate sixteen years ago; the only thing is, I know that I'll never fall in love with her again. It's Hayate that I want; probably Hayate that I wanted all along. Maybe I was never in love with Takako...I could have been fooling myself. I'm good at creating illusions. I'm good at hiding in a whirl of emotions that aren't real, so that I don't have to deal with the ones that are.

I don't want to be in love with Hayate, but I am...

Which is why I have to stay with Takako, and do what she tells me to do...even if that means killing him...

I don't want to kill him.

~~~~~

I'm grateful to Himeno. She said some things that opened my eyes, and then...And then I died, and it was terrible for a while, because I thought...I'll never see Hayate again.

And then I came back, and here I am now.

I'm with Takako, which is all right, I suppose. She needs someone to love her, and I pledged her that love, so I am that someone, I guess.

Hayate and Himeno are the perfect couple, so I see that loving Hayate...Is impossible. I never should have gone to him, I see that now. Maybe all of this could have been avoided, if only...

I don't want to make any more wishes now. No regrets, no what ifs.

But still, if only...

I'll stay with Takako, and I'll watch Hayate with Himeno...

And I'll just have to deal with this ache in my heart, this loneliness that has never gone away, and never will.

Maybe it's too late that I realize, all I really wanted all along; all that I really want right now, is for Hayate to tell me, "I love you..." The only words that he couldn't ever speak to me; the only comfort he couldn't ever give me.

I'll probably always dream of Hayate, and the times that we were together; I'll dream of his gentle hands, and his beautiful, beautiful eyes...and all the while, I'll be with Takako, who I deceived myself into loving.

I love you, Hayate.


End file.
